Receiving....

Everytime I get a massage from my massage therapist who has also become a good friend, she says the same thing..."You are such a giver. The right side of your body is your giving side and it's very loose which is a sign that you are giving freely....your left side on the other hand is your receiving side. You need to learn to receive all the love you give out!" All this while she spends the majority of the massage on the left side, specifically my left shoulder where I carry all my tension. Everytime, I tell her the same thing...."Monique, I'm trying!" Her response...."try harder Ladybug." And we laugh.  The truth of the matter is I'm a giver....sometimes to a fault, I give and give and give until I've given my all simply because it makes me feel good. And the universe usually returns it to me twofold in ways I could have never imagined. I've been a control freak most of my life, and even as a past procrastinator, I love organization. I like for things to flow smoothly. And as I've grown older I've realized you can't control everything. Sometimes things are gonna be f'd up and that's just the way it is. Let it happen, work through it and move on. So in all the growing I've done....the praying, the meditating, the exercising, the yoga, the breathing techniques to try to maintain balance in my life, I've come to the realization that I'm unbalanced. The more I've tipped the scales to giving the smaller the window has gotten for me to learn to receive...truly receive everything God has in store for me. So this is going to be a learning experience. Learning to receive love on a deeper spiritual level. Learning to trust on a deeper level that it's ok for people to do things for me. At one point in my life, I would refuse gifts because I just felt "some kinda way" about it. Even though those days are gone I still feel a little overwhelmed anytime someone gives me something. One, because they thought so highly of me to give it to me and two, because I'm wondering if I truly deserve it. And then I wonder if I show enough gratitude for the things I've received. A tornado of thoughts all at one time until I have to mentally tell myself to just STOP. Today in less than 3 hours I received gifts from two people. One from my friend Wanda (a gift certificate to my favorite restaurant) and one from my client Jason (who must have been reading my mind because I had complained for 2 days how badly I needed a massage and he shows up with a gift card for Massage Envy!) I thanked both of them and told them how thankful I was but even as I'm typing this I'm wondering if they really know how much I appreciate them. I try to live my life as transparent as possible because I know I'm not alone in my thought process and hopefully by sharing (and giving) someone will be helped. But I'm going to challenge myself to learn how to truly receive.