Sunday, May 26, 2013

Please don't call me skinny...

I have an artist friend named Chad. He's very talented. We have some of his work in our salon. He's an artist and a photographer. Chad does a nude series and asked me if I would model for him a while back. I said sure, why not. I've done artistic nudes before with my photographer friend Moyeh and partial nudes with my other photographer friend Naya'Hri. I always like to see their artistic approach and the outcome. It gives me a new outlook on my body as well. Chad sent me a message the other day to set up the date for our shoot....but I told him I changed my mind and I didn't want to do it. He said "why not?" I have to admit my response to him was surprising to both he and I. My answer: "I'm no longer comfortable in my body." The truth is....I've been big most of my entire life. I know what that's like. I know how it feels, I know how it's familiar. My new body is not. Don't get me wrong....I like it but I'm unsure of it. I am having to learn how to stand differently, how to walk differently, how to become comfortable with the fact that this body is in fact mine. I've carried weight around for so long that simple things for most have an impact on my everyday life. Changing the position of the seat in my truck because my body is smaller. Adjusting how close I stand to clients while doing their hair....I used to be able to twirl the chair with the bump of my hip....I can't do that anymore. When people call me "skinny" it makes me feel some kinda strange way. It just doesn't compute. Yeah my clothes sizes are going down but when I look at the still doesn't compute. Me and anything a size small is just crazy to me. No one ever really talks about the struggle of this side of weight loss. People talk often about the flip side...the struggle of gaining a lot of weight and feeling bad about it and the task of getting that weight off. But let's talk about the embarrassment of going to a gym and feeling bad because your body is the polar opposite of 90% of the people working out and them looking at you like you shouldn't be there. The embarrassment of meeting with a personal trainer and hoping they won't call you fat during a work out session because they think it's going to push you but instead it makes you never want to come back. (This has never happened to me but I've heard stories) The struggle of emotional eating. You know you shouldn't eat it but the pain accompanied by the fact that it is the one thing you can control in your life.....the food makes you feel least at that moment. It's a vicious cycle. A downward spiral. I know it all too well. So this time the struggle is the opposite....I've created a long list of things I don't eat for fear that I'll downward spiral all over again. But the truth is....I love cupcakes, pizza and tequila and plan to eventually introduce them back into my diet. I don't want my weight loss to control my life. You see me and you say I'm skinny but you don't know I'm super self conscious about my stomach or my thighs. You don't know I get anxiety about seeing my trainer. You don't know I'm sometimes a hermit because I might go out and eat crazy. Yes, you should allow yourself cheat days but if you keep cheating over and over again, it's not becomes a lifestyle then you're fat all over again.  I'm just working on a happy medium. I'll get there....and I'll do this photo shoot....Eventually. :) Thanks for taking time to read my blog. Can you relate? Drop me a message. We can also connect on FB- Tinesha Matthews or on IG and Twitter @roc_star. Happy Memorial Day! Photo 2 pics: P3 Images bottom 2 pics: Moyeh Moye with makeup by Joy Randall. 


kamil ealy said...

Love it...u speak the truth. U inspire me. I'm not a strong as u YET but I'm going to get there.

Monique Watkins said...

You are beautiful from the inside out! I am blessed beyond measure to have you in my circle! Truly #inspired! XOXOXO

tinesha said...

Thanks ladies! Kamil you will get there!

Inkera said...

OHHHH my goodness!! You must be reading my mind. When I started my #GetFitJourney, a friend told me that I needed to prepare myself for the mental aspects associated with weight loss. I had no idea what she meant. NOW I fully understand. I've gone through so many of the things you talked about in this blog post. Some days I look in the mirror and I'm a size 20 all over again. I've never been self-conscious about my stomach and here I am a size 12 and it is my most disliked area now.

I've learned that my emotional eating and addiction to certain foods is something I have to work on daily.

You continue to inspire me. You just don't know how many times your posts or your blog make me want to keep pushing.

I can't thank you enough for sharing.

I love you to LIFE Sis!!

Your beauty and love of life are infectious!!