Fat Girl

I really wanted to wait until I reached my target goal weight to post this blog but considering I have no idea what that is....I'm posting it now. I used to be a fat girl. When some people see me now it's hard for them to believe and they even gasp when I show them the pictures. It's interesting to me. People keep asking "how much weight do you want to lose...how small are you going to get...do you eat?" I don't have an answer. When I started this journey I only had one goal in mind: God, make my outside look like my inside. So, when that occurs, I'll be done. This blog isn't about weight loss or how I did it. This blog is about the side of weight loss no one talks about. The psychological side. When I was a big girl, I was CUTE! I used to dress my ass off and I didn't care about being skinny, I was reppin' for the big girls! I was in perfect health and overall I felt good. I would sometimes get discouraged when I went shopping because they didn't make enough fly clothes in my size and I would get mad at the retailers. I felt like if I was happy where I was, they should accommodate me. I had ballooned to a size 24/26 and I was still mad at them....not me. Eventually I somehow dropped down to a 14/16 and stayed there for a good 2 years. I still was emotional eating and just "living my life". Then one day something happened. I just felt this strong desire to be the best me ever. I felt like I was dishonoring God by not taking care of my body. I was approaching 40 and I didn't want to go into another decade carrying any emotional baggage or making excuses for my life. So I decided it was time to make some changes. But as I stated earlier my prayer wasn't to lose weight....my prayer was for my outside to reflect my inside. I knew I was a great person but I wasn't treating myself like it. I treated my friends better than myself. I talked trash to myself because I couldn't stopped eating snicker bars and Reese cups. So one day I decided to STOP that crazy talk! I agreed to only talk good to Tinesha. To only give her positive reinforcement and to question any bad decisions she may have been making. And THAT'S when everything changed. I started making better eating choices. I started giving up things that were bad for me even though I loved them (like alcohol....I still can't believe I gave that up) and that's not to say I won't have a drink every now and then but I was doing way too much on the drinking tip. I replaced desserts with cocktails. (But that's a different blog! LOL) I don't have cheat days because I don't feel like its cheating. If I want a candy bar, I'll have a talk with myself. If I know I won't feel guilty about it after I'll tear that thing up and not think anything else about it. Weight loss is mental. I hardly ever weigh myself because for me, it's self defeating. And I don't count calories because that's stresses me out. I treat myself with kindness and respect like I would my best friends. And that has made all the difference. The outcome? I don't really care that I'm almost a size 10 because it still seems unreal to me. I still sometimes go to the plus size section at the store. I still pick up clothes and go in the dressing room and they are falling off me. I still look in the mirror and don't see what everyone else sees. But I'm ok with that. You know why? Because these are the things that really make me happy: I can cross my legs, I can bend over and tie my shoe without almost passing out, I can stand up and put on my tights, I can sit on my man's lap, I can look down and see my toes, I can sit on the countertop in my kitchen and I can fit comfortably into the seats on the airplane. Skinny girls have never experienced the humiliation of anything I mentioned above. I feel you big girls. I swear. I will do everything I can to help every big girl I know on this journey. You can do this. You are strong, you are worthy and you deserve it! You can reach me on IG or twitter: @roc_star or like my fan page on FB: Tinesha Matthews
I will also be launching my website soon: tineshamatthews.com