Please don't call me skinny...

I have an artist friend named Chad. He's very talented. We have some of his work in our salon. He's an artist and a photographer. Chad does a nude series and asked me if I would model for him a while back. I said sure, why not. I've done artistic nudes before with my photographer friend Moyeh and partial nudes with my other photographer friend Naya'Hri. I always like to see their artistic approach and the outcome. It gives me a new outlook on my body as well. Chad sent me a message the other day to set up the date for our shoot....but I told him I changed my mind and I didn't want to do it. He said "why not?" I have to admit my response to him was surprising to both he and I. My answer: "I'm no longer comfortable in my body." The truth is....I've been big most of my entire life. I know what that's like. I know how it feels, I know how it looks....it's familiar. My new body is not. Don't get me wrong....I like it but I'm unsure of it. I am having to learn how to stand differently, how to walk differently, how to become comfortable with the fact that this body is in fact mine. I've carried weight around for so long that simple things for most have an impact on my everyday life. Changing the position of the seat in my truck because my body is smaller. Adjusting how close I stand to clients while doing their hair....I used to be able to twirl the chair with the bump of my hip....I can't do that anymore. When people call me "skinny" it makes me feel some kinda strange way. It just doesn't compute. Yeah my clothes sizes are going down but when I look at the labels...it still doesn't compute. Me and anything a size small is just crazy to me. No one ever really talks about the struggle of this side of weight loss. People talk often about the flip side...the struggle of gaining a lot of weight and feeling bad about it and the task of getting that weight off. But let's talk about the embarrassment of going to a gym and feeling bad because your body is the polar opposite of 90% of the people working out and them looking at you like you shouldn't be there. The embarrassment of meeting with a personal trainer and hoping they won't call you fat during a work out session because they think it's going to push you but instead it makes you never want to come back. (This has never happened to me but I've heard stories) The struggle of emotional eating. You know you shouldn't eat it but the pain accompanied by the fact that it is the one thing you can control in your life.....the food makes you feel good....at least at that moment. It's a vicious cycle. A downward spiral. I know it all too well. So this time the struggle is the opposite....I've created a long list of things I don't eat for fear that I'll downward spiral all over again. But the truth is....I love cupcakes, pizza and tequila and plan to eventually introduce them back into my diet. I don't want my weight loss to control my life. You see me and you say I'm skinny but you don't know I'm super self conscious about my stomach or my thighs. You don't know I get anxiety about seeing my trainer. You don't know I'm sometimes a hermit because I might go out and eat crazy. Yes, you should allow yourself cheat days but if you keep cheating over and over again, it's not cheating....it becomes a lifestyle then you're fat all over again.  I'm just working on a happy medium. I'll get there....and I'll do this photo shoot....Eventually. :) Thanks for taking time to read my blog. Can you relate? Drop me a message. We can also connect on FB- Tinesha Matthews or on IG and Twitter @roc_star. Happy Memorial Day! Photo credit...top 2 pics: P3 Images bottom 2 pics: Moyeh Moye with makeup by Joy Randall. 

Day 1 of #great48

Yesterday was Cinco De Mayo. I celebrated by having pizza for lunch then headed to a vegan dinner party for more festivities. After coming off my juice fast a couple of weeks ago I was down to 193 lbs. First time being under 200 since I've been an adult. Well after a week of eating crap....by the time I weighed in with the trainer today I was at 201. :/ So counterproductive I know but I had to get it out of my system before this challenge started. Now as usual, I'm focused, I have a game plan and I'm ready. I'm excited about everyone that's decided to join the challenge with me as well. As I mentioned in my post yesterday, I'm doing juices and raw foods only. I plan to juice M-F and eat raw foods on Sat and Sun. If that doesn't work for me, I'll juice for the first 4 meals of the day and do raw food for the last meal. For most people getting the eating under control is the hard part....not for me. I'm the opposite. I can get my eating on point but the work out is hard for me. I always feel like I'm going to die!!! LOL. I realize it will slowly come together for me. I started with a new trainer today named Era. I was scared as hell. I haven't worked out in 13 weeks due to complications from a hysterectomy. I wasn't sure how my body would react. I learned quickly. I threw up in the middle of the session. LMAO! But I came right back and got to it. But after a few more minutes I felt like I was going to pass out. He kept telling me he was CPR certified but I think he could tell I was at my max. A small part of me was disappointed that I had to quit but I'm also smart enough to see the bigger picture. I'll get there. One day at a time. Thanks for coming along for the ride. If I can inspire just one person to create a lifestyle change, I've done what I set out to do. Happy Monday!
You can follow my progress on twitter or Instagram @roc_star or on FB: Tinesha Matthews

#Great48

Two young ladies on Instagram started a 48 day weight loss challenge contest. You have to post pics of yourself along with your starting weight and then post pics of your workout regimen and the food you eat during the challenge and tag them with the hash tag #great48. At the end of the challenge they will pick two winners. I'm not really concerned about winning the contest. I'm more concerned with the challenge itself and the camaraderie of the other participants who are bearing it all on Instagram. For some of us, it's the first time showing our bodies and it took a lot for me to decide to do so. I was influenced mostly by my bestie, Jessica who did the challenge before. She decided to do it again and I decided to join her. Luckily I have a great support system in real life and via Instagram and Facebook. The pictures are posted so I can't take them back now. LOL! My goal plan...nothing but juicing and raw foods for the next 48 days. I have a personal trainer, a yoga instructor and a pole fitness instructor. I'm going in! I am determined to take myself to the next level. You can follow my journey on Instagram or twitter: @roc_star. Happy Cinco De Mayo!

Gucci, Gucci, Fendi, Prada...

When your life is in order, everything has a new outlook. You should be mentally, physically and financially well to reach your success goals. My mental and physical bodies have gone through major overhauls which has forced me look at the one area I've neglected over the years....finances. I've been financially irresponsible since college. I've been working since I was a teenager. I started out babysitting and by the time I was 15 I had my first real job at Peeble's at Tryon Mall. (Native Charlotteans stand up!) I enjoyed working and throughout my work life I've been known to have up to 3.5 jobs at one time. 3.5 because I actually had 4 but realized that was just plain ridiculous! I've always worked not with the mindset of saving but with the mindset of just having enough to buy what I wanted or go where I wanted. By the time I left college my credit was ruined. I was bamboozled into the "it's only $10 a month for your bill." Me and mom never really discussed finances or credit prior to that so I didn't understand the impact it would have on me later in life....and I never understood, until now. My mother over the years struggled as well and I'm not quite sure when it finally clicked for her but having 2 kids I'm sure it didn't take her as long as me. LOL. Up until 3 years ago, I was a LABEL WHORE! Yeah, I said it. I craved Gucci, Fendi, Tiffany, Louis Vuitton, Bvlgari.....and it was almost like getting a fix. I even put a Gucci bag on layaway one time. (I know what you're thinking....GUCCI? layaway? Where??) Well, when you live outside your means you'll find ways to feed your addiction. There was a store in Southpark Mall called Bob Ellis.....I found out from a friend who also apparently couldn't afford it, that the store offered layaway. It felt good to be seen with that new new until about 2 months after it wasn't new new anymore and then the addiction continues.... So I worked hard not for my 401K, not for life insurance but to make the legacies of Gucci, Fendi and Prada live on. Now at 41, what's my legacy? Bad credit, no 401K and the fear that my mom will be financially responsible for me if anything happens to me. Well, not on my watch!! I've lost over 100 lbs in the past year and a half and I'm a depression survivor....surely I can get my life when it comes to the "almighty dollar." But I know I need help. I got therapy when I was depressed, I got a trainer to help me lose weight so I've enlisted a financial coach to get me financially fit. Marsha Barnes is in the process of developing a non profit financial literacy program. She's the first person that EVER made me take a realistic look at finances. My mama tried, God know she did but I guess I wasn't ready. But now I am and I asked Marsha to help me. (YES....I ASKED FOR HELP!) This means I have to be open and honest, not just with her, but with myself. So, for the first time ever I'm keeping track of every single cent I spend for an entire month. It's been enlightening already and it's only day 3. I'm thankful for what's about to happen! Here's the bright side to the fact that I won't be able to purchase any more labels....they are timeless. So when you see me rockin' my Gucci, Tiffany and Louis Vuitton....it's my old stuff and a reminder that all that glitters is not gold. Unless its actually gold bars....in a vault. ;) What will you do today to change your life?
You can reach me on Facebook or Google +: Tinesha Matthews
Instagram and twitter: @roc_star